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April 13, 2013 / Amberly

Hide and Seek

When was the last time you played Hide and Seek?

I am in an adult version of the game. Except, it isn’t as fun, and I have been mostly in a hiding phase.

What I am saying is that through a series of life events I was feeling off and hiding. Something felt wrong deep down inside me. There was an anxiety that was bubbling in me, I just couldn’t pin point what was causing it. Here’s the thing… I know this feeling, I know it well. I have had it many times before, 9 times to be exact.

Every other time this feeling has come up I have run. I don’t mean, go outside and get some exercise. I mean I suppress it with food, then I pack my stuff up and head for higher ground. I move to a new city, new state, heck I have even moved to a different country… four times.

To tell you the truth I never realized it was an issue, a pattern until just recently. During the past three months, while feeling this anxiety I got up and took a nice stroll around  Italy, France and the Pacific Northwest before returning home with the intention of moving somewhere new.
Since I just adore my life where and how it is, before moving I figured I should just sit with this feeling. See what emerges.
Oh I was in for a surprise. A pattern emerged in my life, one that I can trace back to since I was 18. Heck if I am honest with myself I can see this as far back as 5th grade.

What I also realized is that the same event happens right before I get this feeling. Then I run, and I always run to a similar circumstance.

I think they call this moment of recognition an “AHA” moment in self help books.

The good thing that came from this realization is that I don’t have to uproot my life.
The bad thing. Now I have to fix whatever inside me seems to have the need to react and run.

Well happy trails everyone, I am blazing a new path, breaking old patterns that don’t serve me. How cool.

Trail Cheeseman Park

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2 Comments

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  1. Emily Armstrong / Apr 18 2013 6:45 PM

    I haven’t played hide and seek in years, but I did play on the monkey bars last week for the first time since I was a kid. It was a great feeling. Maybe you should give them a try :)?

    But in all seriousness, being introspective enough to realize that you’ve been following certain patterns in life is so huge (whether those patterns are good or bad). And now that you’ve recognized that in yourself, you can only learn and grow.

    I always admire your ability to jump into new situations without looking back, and even though you might be doing the opposite in this case (staying put), I think you’ll be just as successful. Good luck with this new and exciting path (and so glad you’re back at the blog)!

    • Amberly / Apr 18 2013 7:20 PM

      Emily,
      Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate what you have said.
      And honestly I am going to give those monkey bars a try!

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